Chronic illnesses are complicated, and messy, and tricky. They are difficult and life-changing. So if you put the two of them together you have a lot going on. If you think in terms of mathematics, you would think one complicated, messy, difficult thing plus a second equals one BIG mess. But when you're in the middle of it all, when it is your life, it doesn't seem like that at all. To me, it is a blessing. One BIG blessing.
Sometimes love surprises us. It comes out of nowhere and sometimes at a time that we are sure we will never love again. It comes from somewhere you never thought it would come from and in a form that a girl could only dream of.....
and then it happens.
Prince Charming knocks on your door the night before your twenty first birthday and meets your family. He holds the door as you leave for your first date and he hugs you for the first time and it is electric. He opens car doors and pays for things. He has the brightest blue eyes that light up when he smiles or talks about his friends, family, and the things he loves. He is kind and gentle. His laugh makes you giggle and before you know it, you are at the movie theater and realize that the radio wasn't on the whole time and that there was never an awkward silence. It's natural and exciting......
and then another thing happens.
Reality sets in and you know that you owe it to this incredible man to explain that your life isn't all rainbows and sunshine. In fact, a majority of the time it's the exact opposite. So you tell him all about how sick you are. You try to explain it in a way that won't absolutely terrify him but making sure you don't sugar coat it either. You tell him about the constant pain and the fifteen pills a day that you take. You tell him that most days are filled with doctor appointments and decisions and that most nights are filled with endless thoughts and very little sleep. By the time that you're done talking, you brace yourself to hear another "I can't do this. It's too much"........
and then something crazy happens.
He wants to do this. He tells you that it is scary, but that he wants to learn more about it and get to know you better. He says that he sees you as more than just your illness. This man just made your heart skip a beat and your stomach fill up with butterflies. It has been a very long time since the last time you have felt those feelings. And just like your illness, this is about to be life-changing.
At fourteen, you don't think about love and adult things like constant doctor appointments and hospital stays. You don't think about who you'll marry or when that day will come... at least not when you're fourteen and sick. Your whole life becomes consumed in this diagnosis. You slowly, but surely become your illness. Through high school and the beginning years of college, I was in a couple relationships. I was with people who were in denial about my illness, which in turn lead me to be in denial about it too. Those relationships were only ever going to stand a chance if there was a cure for my illness. There is not. So I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself and the people I was with that I was good enough and deserving enough to have a "normal relationship." It was all consuming. I spent more time focused on how to make my relationships better than I did trying to make my health better. At some point you realize that it is just so much easier to walk away from those relationships. I was convinced that love and chronic illnesses were not something that went together
As soon as I realized that I wanted to really work on getting healthy and that my health was more important than anything, God showed me what I was deserving of. A man who didn't look at me and see "the sick girl." A man that thought I was something special. And then I learned, love and a chronic illness can fit well together. Love, for the first time, wasn't tricky or complicated. It was easy and natural. So many people, healthy people at that, can make love this complicated thing, with all these rules and comparisons. After a while you start to believe it and then it does become complicated. I have learned that love, this "complicated thing," and chronic illness, this COMPLICATED thing, can be so uncomplicated if you are with someone who genuinely loves you for everything that you are and sees you as more than just your illness.....
and then it happens.
You fall head-over-heels in love. With yourself and with your Prince Charming.
"You have to do everything you can. You have to work your hardest and if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining."
- Silver Linings Playbook