I have written about my eating disorder pretty openly. At first I was nervous and embarrassed. When my doctor was referring me to treatment I remember the first thing I asked was, "Can this be discrete?" I didn't want ANYONE to know. I thought that having this eating disorder made me this messed up person. But I learned quickly that wasn't the case. When I started treatment I discussed this with my therapist. I told her, " I have all of these issues... my chronic pain, all of the issues that come with that, and now an eating disorder?" She told me the scary statistics behind eating disorders. In the United States about 30 million people (20 million females and 10 million males) suffer from an eating disorder at some point in their lives. I was shocked. I knew people struggled but I didn't realize how big of a problem this was. So I went home and did some research. Did you know that according to nationaleatingdisorders.org, 81% of ten year-olds are afraid of being fat? Over half of teenage girls and one third of teenage boys have unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, vomiting, and taking laxatives. Of American elementary school girls who read magazines, 69% say that pictures influence their concept of ideal body shape. 47% of those girls say the pictures make them want to lose weight.
These statistics are absolutely devastating. Society, television, social media, and the internet all show us unrealistic ideas of what our bodies are supposed to look like. This is all that young, developing girls are seeing and it is having such big impact on them. It was having such a big impact on me and I didn't even know it.
I was doing so well in my recovery, and still am. I have undoubtedly hit some speed bumps, which is totally normal. I hadn't gone to treatment in a few months, as I was doing so well. Then after we got engaged I started freaking out about what my wedding body would look like. I was so anxious about trying on dresses because I am no longer the traditional sample size like I was before. My recovery still was going well but I was starting to get some self doubt again so I decided to check in at treatment. Last week I met with my therapist. It was EXACTLY what I needed. When I told her that my anxiety about my body and weight was coming from the idea of getting in shape for the wedding she had an incredible response.
She told me, "The culture around weddings and being a bride is about looking our best on the best day of our lives. Finding the perfect dress, getting the perfect body, etc. Which is messed up. A wedding is not about what you look like on that day, it is about standing before your family, friends, and God and making the promise to love each other for the rest of your lives, to commit to that person until death. Sure, the dress is fun and shopping for it is fun, but you need to know that this isn't what the day is about." She continued by telling me, "The day is not about posing for pictures making sure you look perfect. My favorite pictures are not the pictures where the photographer lined us up and told us to smile, they are the pictures of moments. The candid pictures where you are laughing. Capturing moments from the day, real and genuine moments. You might not be standing in the most flattering way, and you may not look 'perfect' but you can see the genuine emotion of that day."
She has it exactly right! Since I started treatment I have made a very big and very conscious decision to never diet. I will never tell myself that I can't eat or drink certain things because then you get caught up in that and the eating disorder behaviors start to come back. I know that I want to eat less healthy, nutritious things in moderation, but I will not cut them out completely. When I talked to my mom about this she told me, "Let's eat well, make good food choices, but not worry about losing weight. Don't set a weight goal for the wedding. Enjoy planning, have fun, and you'll look beautiful no matter what." I loved that and decided that I was going to make sure that there is no thoughts or actions towards "losing weight for the wedding."
I have had to set both physical and emotional boundaries with some people in my life while being in active recovery. It is hard and sometimes it sucks. There are people who I love that don't have healthy relationships with food and weight and body image and so I just can't be around them. That is all that our relationship is... talking about weight, food, and body image and I refuse to be around that, so I set boundaries. I have people in my life who I love, and who I know mean well, but continue to tell me I should eat this way or that way. Try cutting out these foods or avoiding those foods. So I have had to set boundaries. I can't put myself in situations that could potentially affect my recovery. I try not to get too frustrated but there are often times that I do get angry with these relationships, mostly because they know about my eating disorder and continue to make that be the only things we talk about. I have also noticed people that I love who seem to be struggling with eating disorder behaviors. I have tried to subtly say things by talking about my experience with an eating disorder. It is hard because when I was in full swing eating disorder mode, I was so much in denial that had someone said something to me, I would have denied up and down that I had a problem. So as much as I want to love and help those people, I have to set boundaries with them as well. That is one thing I learned in this whole process. Recovery may come off as selfish, but it isn't. It is putting yourself and your health before anyone else. It is protecting and taking care of yourself. Paul has been so incredibly supportive in the setting of these boundaries and in my recovery. I know that anytime I have thoughts or need to talk about things, he is ALWAYS there. I know this wouldn't be nearly as successful without him. (Thank you, love.)
I have been in treatment and recovery since October of 2015 and every day has its struggles. Removing myself from conversations that are about negative body image, food, and weight. Setting boundaries with those people, and then talking really openly about my recovery have been so helpful in getting better. And all of these things have lead to today...
Today I put on clothes that I haven't worn in a long time, looked in the mirror, and loved what I saw. I felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a very long time. It was such a good feeling. I didn't look in the mirror and pick out all of my flaws, I looked in the mirror and saw a happy, healthy person.