Paul and I have been waiting on any news for our adoption. We were told we would have an average wait time of six to eighteen months. We were officially ready to be presented as of April 1st, so we are almost to the six month mark. We are continuing to pray for our sweet birth mom and child as we are in this wait. I am probably the least patient person I know, Paul can attest to this. Whenever people ask how things are going I always tell them that this is good for me. I am learning all about patience right now and I know it will all be worth it. Sometimes, when I am struggling with this wait, I just have to take some time and step back and look at the life that we have and appreciate the place we are at right at that moment. I often joke, when I get down about the wait, that we are really just trying to remember to sleep as much as we can, because that will soon be gone. I joke that we are trying to do things now that may be a little more difficult with a child or children in tow. And I joke that we are liking not having to pay for childcare right now. I always follow this up with, "We would undoubtedly rather have all of those things and have a child" but those are the things that help us just enjoy the wait instead of wishing our life away during it.
When we were starting this whole process and talking with some different adoption agencies, etc. someone from one of the agencies we talked with was emailing me. I had expressed how excited we were to be on this journey and to feel called by God to do this. I continued by telling her that, of course, with the excitement came some anxiety. Anxiety about not educating ourselves enough, about not being a couple that a birth mom would choose to parent her sweet child, and about the dreaded wait. She emailed me back just talking about how those are completely natural fears and that the amazing thing about this whole process was that God was in control. She said to me, "Isn't it amazing that God already knows who your child is?!"
When I read that, I started crying. It reminded me of the day that I became a Christian. I was sitting in church and listening to the music. I, all of a sudden, had this incredibly overwhelming feeling wash over me that God was just so much bigger than me and this world and that He sent His only child to DIE for our sins so that we could know Him.
So when I got this email, it prompted me to really think about how incredible our God is! He has chosen to lead us down this path. He has prompted us to do all of things we have needed to do. He has lifted us up when we have felt defeated and has guided us through this process. He is the one in control of this whole thing.
I have expressed to Paul and a couple other people that I always try to picture our life three years from now, fifteen years from now, and thirty years from now. I try to envision what our sweet family will be like and I picture us happy but I can't picture this family of ours because we just don't know the child we will be blessed with. We don't know the gender, race, or age this child will be and none of those things matter to us, but it keeps me from being able to picture our child being here with us. I know that people who are pregnant may feel this too, but I truly believe it is different. We are not just being blessed with a child, but with their sweet birth family as well. That will undoubtedly change the way our family looks and I can't wait for that.
When I am struggling with picturing what our life will look like, and when I am struggling to be patient during this wait, wondering when it is going to happen for us, I just remember that God already knows who our child is. He knows if this child is born already, currently growing in our amazing birth mother, or if they are not even known about yet. He knows. I find so much peace in that.
Today, at church, the pastor talked about the book of Ephesians. He talked a lot about Ephesians 2:4-8 which talks about how we are saved by grace and how that is not our own doing, but the works of God. How even when we were dead because of our sins, He loved us and made us alive. This whole section of verses starts with, "But God......."
The pastor then said that people will often say things like, "That is impossible" and he responds with, "But God."
People will say, "I can't do this anymore" and he responds with, "But God."
So when I think about how difficult this wait gets and how hard it is to just be in the unknown I stop and think, "But God" and there is just so much peace that comes with that. God knows who our child is. He knows when the best timing is. He is in control and it is going to be perfect.