I know that one of my biggest flaws is that I put up walls. I pretend like I can handle this illness on my own. I pretend like I am stronger than it all. I act like some tough girl who has everything under control. I pretend like it doesn't scare me. The truth is, I can't always handle it on my own. Sometimes, despite how positive I am, it wins. I don't always have it all under control and I am not this tough girl like the facade I manage to put up. And yes, this disease terrifies me. But, I also know, that so much of that is out of my control. God knows what He is doing. So instead of doubting Him and instead of worrying, I embrace it all and I don't let the fear get the best of me.
Dating with a chronic illness is complicated. I found it is one of the first conversations I am having with new people I meet. I suppose this is because I want them to know what they are getting into. Before I invest any of my heart, time, or energy into someone, I want them to know what comes with me. This illness and I are a package deal. It comes with a lot of questions and very few definite answers. It comes with pain and it comes with emotional days that involve both me and the people close to me. It comes with days where I become dependent on the people close to me, despite how much I hate that. It comes with late nights where sleep escapes me and I am left laying in bed, tossing and turning, as tears fill my eyes. It comes with doctor appointments and surgeries. It comes with medication runs and helping me remember to take my meds. It comes with difficult days and even harder nights. It comes with canceled dates that we are both excited for, ending up with us both on my couch, cuddling, and watching a movie. It also comes with me. It comes with my willingness and drive to overcome these hurdles. It comes with my desire and passion to spread awareness and share my story. It comes with my laughs and smiles and want to make others do the same. It comes with my want to provide for someone as much as they provide for me. It comes with my devotion and dedication. And it comes with my love.
So, I began dating... and I ran into so many people that want nothing to do with this "problem" of mine. But then there was someone who decided that despite the things I told him, despite the facts, despite the obstacles ahead, he wanted to embrace it with me. He wanted to be there at doctor appointments, hold my hand when things weren't going as planned, hold me while I am in pain, get my meds for me, and care about me through it. He wanted to care about me in spite of it. He wanted me for me. He wanted the laughs, tears, smiles, and pain. He wanted late night calls when the pain was too much and the early morning text updates on my sleeping schedule and pain level. He also wanted me for my heart and not just for "what I had to offer." He is selfless and it amazes me.
I can't list all of the obstacles that are faced when it comes to dating with a chronic illness or we would be here all day. But I have learned that until you know what you need from someone and until you embrace your illness and love yourself despite the illness and the obstacles, dating will be painful and unsuccessful. I have also learned that in order to have a healthy relationship with someone, you need to let them in fully. I learned this the hard way and at the expense of some relationships. They need to know when you're hurting and what they can do. They need to know what meds you take and your doctor's name. They need to know when you just need a night in, on the couch. They need to see all of you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. They need to see you crying and they need to see you discovering yourself. Until you decide to be open with yourself and raw with them, you will always run into obstacles. Let them love you for every part of you.
To the important man in my life-
Thank you for embracing me and my illness. Thank you for your willingness to learn and help. Thank you for asking everyday what my pain is like. But most of all, thank you for caring about me in spite of all of this. I know it's overwhelming and it's scary but I know that we will figure it out together. Thank you for being you. You amaze me.
I have found a few great resources for significant others of those of us who have chronic illnesses or pain. The links are here , here, here, and here! Feel free to check them out!!
Gentle hugs and prayers for all my spoonies and the significant people in their lives!