Oh the growth that a month can do. I think about the places she will be in two months, two years, when she has continued to heal from all of the pain and has grown even more. I hadn't had the opportunity to see her for a while. She needed time to grieve and hurt so we gave her space. So when I saw her today I was thrilled to be able to talk to her and see positivity radiate from her. Forgiveness was a big part of our conversation. Forgiveness when people aren't sorry. Forgiveness of ourselves and our own mistakes. Forgiveness of the mess we let things become. I talked with her about how quickly I learned that forgiveness isn't for the person you are forgiving, it is for you. How difficult life is with hate and pain in our hearts. We talked about how mistakes are made in heartbreak and that nothing about it is easy but that what we chose to do with it is what defines us, not the heartbreak itself. Then she said something that showed me that she had taken this pain and grown. She said, "I will always love him. I just want him happy and that isn't with me. But I want him happy with someone who makes him a better person."
I told her how she needs to be proud of herself for the immense growth she's had in the past month. She thanked me and hugged me and while talking with Paul about it all later this evening, I am realizing that I should be thanking her.
She allowed me to grow in ways too. She allowed me to use my experiences to help her, something I am SO passionate about. Her situation has continued open conversation between Paul and I about our pasts, the people we used to be, and who we have grown to be. Paul and I, from day one, have strived to be open communicators. We have strived to come to the table with all that we are as people, open up, and allow the other to help us grow. I feel like we have been incredibly successful in this so far and as we have been continuing to prepare for our marriage, I am seeing so many places we have grown since the beginning. I came in to our relationship recently broken, and on a brand new journey to finding who I was and wanted to be. I had lost myself by trying so hard to save someone else. Paul came into the relationship with a past that had some struggles but a heart that was healing. He came with this openness and support for growth. He loved that I wanted to find who I was again and I loved that he had been there before and could be a tour guide for that journey. I knew I wanted to grow as my own person and as a couple with Paul. Something I learned when you begin looking for yourself is that you unleash a lot of the secrets you didn't even know you had... and it is painful. But growth can be that sometimes. I met Paul in May. He knew right away about my ended engagement and my chronic illness. By June, he knew about my sexual assault and by October, I finally had admitted that I had an eating disorder. Talk about finding yourself. And bless Paul's heart, he stood there, hand in mine, promising to grow in this journey with me. He supported me through many sleepless nights, many therapy sessions, and many painful and intentional days.
I look at the immense amount of growth that has come from all of that and I can't help but be proud. I just had told Paul, we will have "normal" marriage struggles, but if we can make it through things like chronic illness, a history of sexual assault, and the diagnosis and treatment of an eating disorder in the first six months of our relationship, we can make it through a life of towels on the bathroom floor, messy houses, frustrating jobs, children who worry us sick, and health that may deteriorate. There is nothing about growth that is easy, It often comes with heartache, pain, and regret. But, I have learned, it also come with pride, excitement, joy, and happiness.