I have watched a lot of relationships fall apart. Some were mine and some were others. I see it everyday. Friends who have been friends for years just stop talking. People who have been in love for so long just all of a sudden stop being together. Siblings have a falling out and stop talking to each other and parents fight with their kids and become emotionally separated from them. We are all human, we know that emotions can get the best of us and situations we are in, and we know that small decisions and even just a small amount of words can change our life.
I can name a few big loses as far as relationships go for myself and the people I love. These aren't things that just happen with a chronic illness. These happen to healthy, loving people just as much as they do to us who are sick. So how do we get back in the game? How do we start to find new friends and care about them the way you did with your old friends? How do we find a new significant other after you lost a "forever" kind of relationship? How do we love our siblings despite the differences?
The biggest thing I learned from losing some important relationships in my life is this: You will never get the apology you are looking for or think you deserve. People start to think you are the one who owes them something (and we probably do). We hang on to that; the fact that someone we cared so much about doesn't apologize for hurting us the way they did. I just had to watch one of my good friends (from the sidelines and 700 miles away) lose her fiance, father of her child, high school sweetheart, and best friend. It made me so sad when we would talk about things that had happen. They were hurting and trying to decide what was best and this is what it came to. The loss of a relationship. Just from the things she had said I was able to share some of my experiences with her. A little background about her and I. My ex-fiance and her now ex-fiance are best friends so when I moved picked up and moved my life to live in Southern Indiana, this girl was my go-to girl..... for literally everything. I knew that I could trust her with my heart and I knew that if I was going to get the truth from anyone about anything, it was her. She never let me down. She knew exactly the things that I needed and what to say to make me feel a little better. So when my relationship ended and I moved home, I missed her so much. She would text me a couple times a month to check in and every time we talked we always exchanged "I miss yous." Then one time she texted me and said, "He wasn't the only who lost you, we did too and we miss you." That seriously hit me. A relationship I never intended to lose was being lost because I had left with no goodbyes. So we started checking in a little more and talking about the reasons I left so that we could re-build our relationship. I seriously love this girl. She is 700 miles away and I KNOW that if I needed her, she would answer the phone in the middle of the night and find a way to help me even from twelve hours away.
So when she texted me a few weeks ago about losing her relationship I was so happy she had told me. It also gave me an opportunity to help someone through a situation that had me "down and out" for a while. She had texted me about how they were struggling with communication and how he was angry about her moving on. He was shocked she could move on so quick. I told her that she has every right to move on. She, like so many of us have, started grieving the loss of the relationship a long time ago. So moving on for her wasn't fast at all. And then I said something to her that has been something that has stuck with me since I said it. "We are allowed to get back in the game, with anything in life. We are not responsible for making people feel okay about things. That is their business. All we need to do is make sure we are happy."
That took me a long time to figure out. I remember my friends not really understanding why I wasn't getting better, why I was still missing school, basketball, and get togethers. I remember how much it took for me to try to explain that this is a forever thing. I wouldn't be getting better. So I lost relationships and friendships that I thought were "forever friends" because they wanted to go be normal teenagers, and that was okay. Then I found I was losing family relationships... and not losing them completely but losing what they were. My family, both immediate and extended, struggled to understand this illness. I remember when I was a sophomore in high school and being at Thanksgiving. This was not too long after being diagnosed. I was playing very little basketball at this time and I was struggling with my diagnosis. We were deciding that basketball was probably going to come to an end and that my sophomore season, which was "part-time" for me because of my illness, was going to have to be my last year. My grandpa, in front of everyone at the dinner table said, "I know it is because you just don't want to work that hard to play next year." This devastated me. I didn't talk to him for quite some time. I was so frustrated that my grandpa, a dentist and very educated man, didn't understand this. His thoughts on my illness have changed ten-fold in last couple years as he has had the opportunity to see me at my absolute worst and I am so thankful for that. But I was waiting for that apology that I knew I deserved but was never going to get. I also learned that forgiveness isn't for the person you are forgiving, it is for you. Forgiving, even without the apology, helps bring you the peace that you deserve. The thing that "side-lines" me the most is trying to justify MY illness to strangers who question what I deal with. I don't owe anyone an explanation for why I look healthy but have a handicap sticker. I don't need to explain to strangers, or anyone for that matter, that I go through life everyday at pain levels that would send someone to their knees and for the most part, I do it with few complaints. So I just take a deep breath, pray a little, and find a way to get back in the game because I am not responsible for making them feel comfortable with my illness and situation.
I like to think that I get back in the game well by now. I just giggle about it because how else can you deal with being side-lined and then put back in the game so many times, over and over again. But I don't take any of that for granted because I know that it has helped me get through things and after talking to my sweet friend, I know it helps other people get through things too. How often do the things we say positively affect other people's lives? Not much these days. So when someone tells me that I clarified something for them and brought them relief from all the weight they were carrying, I know that my "being side-lined" has had some purpose. I say to some of the people closest to me that I pray everyday that God uses me for His glory. I want to glorify Him in the things I say and do.
For anyone who is struggling with getting back in the game.... please just remember that the only person you need to make happy is yourself. So don't make decisions based on making other people happy, do it all for you and for God.
and
To my sweet, beautiful friend.... I love you more than you know. You have changed me and helped me dig deep for the things I want and need and for that I am so grateful! I can't wait to see you in exactly one month! Two years is FAR too long.