I have had years of unhealthy relationships with people who didn't deserve my time or the little bit of energy I had. These people wanted relationships at their convenience, on their time, and with their "rules". I knew that my health needed to be my number one priority but they thought they deserved to be my top priority. These people and relationships drained the life from me. They were all consuming.
I knew this about these relationships but it is not easy to just walk away from them. You've invested all this time into these people and relationships that it makes it very difficult to just leave it all behind. You don't really realize how detrimental to your illness and health they are until they are gone. Ignorance is bliss, right?
Wrong. When it comes to chronic illness and toxic people, ignorance is exhaustion. Ignorance is decreasing health and increasing pain. Ignorance is decreasing energy and ability to function. Ignorance is worse health. So what do you do?
One year ago today, something in me flipped a switch and I decided that I was going to put myself and my health first, for the first time in a VERY long time. I knew that the way I was living, was not conducive to good health. A year ago I called off and engagement and wedding. I said goodbye to the guy who was my first love and easily the most toxic person in my life at that time. It was devastating at the time. I remember, the day after, asking my mom, "Will I ever wake up not crying? Will it ever stop hurting?" She promised it would. When she promised me that, I promised myself that I was going to remind myself every day that I was doing this for a good reason. I promised myself that if it was the last thing I did, I was going to get healthy. I cried for three or four days straight and then the crying stopped. There was clarity and hope. I was going to start to slowly work on myself and my health.
A year ago today I promised to confront all of my issues and my struggles and to work really hard at getting healthy in all areas of my life. I had events, life-changing events, happen to me prior to this day that I chose to not confront and they were hurting me more. So I decided that even if it was the hardest thing I had ever done, I was going to get the help I needed and I was going to get healthy. And I did just that.
A year ago today I would NOT have pictured myself where I am today. In fact, if you would have told me this is what my life would be like, I would have laughed between my tears. SO MUCH has happened in the last year. I have found myself in all of the chaos. I have fought for my health and happiness. I have learned to put myself and my health first, I met an absolutely incredible man, got another dog, been told I had to change my dream career path, found a new career path, became a basketball coach, met a lot of new people, gotten rid of other toxic people in my life, moved back to Minnesota, got a house, and learned to love myself for the first time in WAY TOO LONG.
A year ago, my life was chaotic, and not in a good way. It was painful, unhealthy, and exhausting. It was this disaster that I didn't know how to clean up. It was a never ending amount of tears and heartache. So I made a dramatic change. I went from always putting other people, their wants and their needs first, to putting myself and my health first.
In the beginning of this change I always referred to it as me being selfish for the first time in my life. In the process of this change, someone asked me why I thought I was being selfish. I told them that it was because I stopped caring about what everyone else needed and started caring about what I needed more. They told me, "That isn't you being selfish, that is you taking care of yourself." That was exactly what I needed to hear to not get drawn back into all of the chaos. I am not saying this has been an easy change. It has come with its own messes to be cleaned up and short periods of chaos, but it has been the most beautiful chaos.
Change is hard. Getting rid of toxic people in your life is hard. But despite the pain that may come with saying goodbye and letting go, it is the best, most healthy thing you can do for yourself.
Here is to another year of beauty, healing, change, love, and good chaos. A year can change you so much!