This is the statistic of the women who have been a victim of an attempted or completed rape/ sexual assault in their lifetime (RAINN).
Why am I talking about this? I have a sweet, dear friend who was fairly recently just personally affected by this. She is dealing with a situation where she is being forced to talk about her experience. So I decided that I would support her in a way that would make me feel maybe as uncomfortable and "put out there" as she is being forced to be. I decided that I was going to share my experience.
My sexual assault happened in January of 2015. It happened in my own apartment at about 12:30 am. According to RAINN, 55% of all sexual assaults happen in the victims home. I knew the guy who did it to me and we weren't the only people there, there were three other people in the other room. Unfortunately, he had done it before and has done it since to other girls, just like myself. He was a friend of my significant other at the time and after everything had happened, I went to bed totally in shock. When I woke up the next morning, makeup a mess from crying and still trying to piece the night together, and still in utter shock, I went out into my living room to find him still in my apartment. I immediately had a panic attack and asked him to leave. I gathered myself, told my significant other everything that had happened, and then weighed my options. I was twenty when it happened and there had been some alcohol involved throughout the night but not enough that I didn't know what was happening, and there is NEVER enough to justify sexually assaulting someone. I could tell you the events of the night as clear as day, I still can. So I know that I didn't drink that much. But still... I knew that if I went to the police it would be my word against his and I felt this overwhelming sense of shame and guilt that somehow I had done something that made him think I asked for this. I have learned, after a lot of therapy, that this was and is not my fault, but I didn't know that then. I called my mom right away and tried to figure out a way to tell her what had just happened. I knew that my life was forever changed by this event. The way I was going to relate to people was going to be changed by what this guy did to me. He came into my house and totally violated every ounce of my privacy and peace of mind. My mom was heartbroken when I told her what happened, but was immediately supportive. Within a few days my brother and dad were down to Indiana to get me and bring me back to Minnesota. I noticed I was immediately withdrawn from people. I didn't want to be hugged or touched. I didn't want to leave my house or look in the mirror. I didn't want to be around strangers and I began having anxiety attacks. There wouldn't even have to be things that triggered it. I could be sitting in church and all of a sudden feel like the walls were closing in on me and I felt short of breath like someone was sitting on my chest. It was terrible.
I confronted my perpetrator shortly after the assault had happened. I wanted him to know that I knew what he did. When I first said something he was very apologetic. He tried to tell me he was so sorry and that he never meant for it to happen. When I didn't fall for that he moved on to trying to guilt me into not saying anything to the police by saying things like, "My daughter will grow up without a dad" or "I will lose my military career." When that didn't work he ended with, "you're just easy" and called me a bunch of names that I am sure you can imagine.
As soon as I got to Minnesota I knew that I was going to need to start therapy if I was going to start to try to heal from this. I was diagnosed with PTSD and was put on some pretty strong anti-anxiety meds and saw a therapist pretty regularly as we talked through some of the trauma that had happened. (RAINN says that 94% of women are diagnosed with PTSD after a rape/ sexual assault.) It was difficult and emotional. I didn't tell many people about my sexual assault. Not many people know about it.... until now. Paul, who has been nothing short of incredible and patient about it all, my immediate family, and a couple of friends, are the few people who knew. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and afraid of being looked at as "damaged."
Now I am talking about it for my dear friend who is being forced to talk about her experiences. So she doesn't feel alone and so that anyone else who has gone through this doesn't feel alone.
I have been fortunate enough to have a support system who lets me have open conversations about this very difficult topic. Just yesterday Paul and I got talking about this topic yesterday and while we were talking on a broader subject of it, my personal experience finds its way into the conversation to help emphasize points, or make them more "real."
While I feel like I am doing as well as I can with this having happened, I still have my days. I have moments that will randomly trigger anxiety. I will get short of breath and anxious. I have to take some deep breaths and just kind of center myself again. My goal is to just help my sweet friend, and whoever else needs it, try to find some peace in the situation we have survived and use this to empower others to get through this situation as well.
"Every 98 seconds an American is sexually assaulted" (RAINN).