What a perfect way to describe a chronic illness. Your life will always have a "before chronic illness" and an "after diagnosis." At first, we crave to have our "before" life back. We cry, we get angry, we beg that this is all a dream and promise God that we won't ever take our health for granted again, if He will just give us our life back. But that isn't how God works. So here we are. In the "aftermath" of our diagnosis and we feel hopeless. We have no idea what to do next so we learn how to just survive. We learn how to get through the day.
After nearly seven years of just surviving, just getting through the day, I am FINALLY learning how to get some of my life back. Will it ever be the same? No, but maybe that's a good thing. I won't take days of decent health for granted anymore. I won't be angry or sad. I won't just be surviving. I will finally be thriving.
Getting some life back began with letting go of people and things that made me resentful of my illness. These goodbyes were difficult but necessary. After the goodbyes, came some hellos. I said hello to new friends, I said hello to new jobs and a new lifestyle. I said hello to consistency and positivity. I also began doing things that I love, again. I brought basketball back into my life. I took a leap of faith and asked my uncle one day if he needed help coaching my cousins' basketball teams and suddenly I had two coaching jobs. Two coaching jobs that I have fallen in love with. The ability to watch kids fall in love with the game the way I did when I was that age never fails to make me smile. I also get to watch what resilience looks like again. These kids aren't afraid of failing. They aren't afraid of trying anything. It's such a positive thing to watch. It reminds me that life doesn't always have to be this complicated mess that we make it.
I have learned, after all this time, that life doesn't go exactly how we plan. I have learned that I will forever be sick, but that I am not ashamed of that anymore. I am honest and open about my fight against my body attacking itself. I am raw about the feelings, both good and bad, that come with this battle. I have tons of scars to show for this disease... literally and figuratively. I have learned that life will never be what it was before. I am a twenty one year old who is trapped in a body that hates itself. For all this time, I've resented my body. I've resented my illness. I've resented people who got to live their daily lives without pain. I have fully come to terms with the idea of my new normal. I am finally getting my medications figured out and regulated. I am learning how to become active again, without an extreme amount of pain. I am learning that my life will be days that are filled with millions of choices and things I have to think about before doing anything- showering, work, school, practice, getting dressed.... some days even getting out of bed. I don't really get the options that most people have. But I almost don't know any differently anymore.
So getting your life back with chronic illness just doesn't happen. You just learn how to accept and cope with the life you have now and then you make a choice: take this new life and live or just merely survive. I have chosen to live. I have chosen to take in as much of this life as I can. I have chosen to embrace my pain. I have come to the conclusion that some things are worth a bad flare up the next day, for the sake of having a good time the day before. I take risks when I can and I make the tough choice to just sit some things out. It isn't about getting your life back anymore. It is about learning to create, accept, and love this new life. Because we only have one.