I learned that some of the best prayers are some of the unanswered prayers. Garth Brooks, a famous country singer, has a song by that exact title, "Unanswered Prayers." Some of the lyrics of that song are, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talking to The Man Upstairs, that just because He doesn't answer, doesn't mean He don't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." I have a couple of prayers that I have prayed to God, where I feel blessed that He didn't give me the answer that I prayed for. I have learned that God's plans are much bigger than my own.
The one at the top of my list..... my illness. I have prayed that God take this pain away from me, more times than one. I have asked God, "Why me?!" I have fallen to my knees, crying, begging for the pain to subside just long enough to go out with friends or to just get a good night's rest. I have asked God, numerous times, for someone to find a cure. All those prayers have gone "unanswered." I like to believe that they just had different answers than the ones I was hoping for. God's will is so much greater than mine. I am beyond grateful for that. I am happy that I was the one that got this illness, not someone else. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE. Sometimes the pain gets so bad that all you want to do is lay in bed, curled up, but even that is too painful. But I am also so grateful for all of the things that have come from this illness. I have met a lot of incredible people. I have found out how many people care about me. I have an immeasurable amount of opportunities to help other people come to terms with their chronic illness. I have found myself and most importantly, I found God. I have told more people than I can count, how I wouldn't change this all for anything. Would I like some days with no pain? Yes. Would I like to know what the future holds for me with this illness? Yes. But would I want this illness to have never happened to me? Absolutely not.
If you would have asked me that even three year ago, my answer would have been different. And then I found God and it changed it all. I came to terms with my illness. I decided that God wanted to use me for things much greater than the things I could have done had I not had this illness. Do I blame God for "giving me this illness?" Absolutely not. The devil has a way of making his way into the lives of people, and turning their worlds upside down. But all the Glory goes to God for all of His big plans for ways that I can share the love of Him and all of His incredibleness. He has provided me with a way to share my story with people and then mentoring other people on how to come to terms with their chronic illness, and that has brought me SO much joy. It makes my heart happy when my pain makes a difference in someone else's life. It makes it worth it.
Another unanswered prayer that has me more than grateful is the ending of a long term relationship and engagement. I called off my wedding in March, with the man that I spent three years thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life with. This man is a kind man and I spent MANY days and nights praying that God would give me the strength to be the best fiancé, wife, and woman of God that I could be. I prayed that we could figure out a way to make our relationship healthier. I prayed that I could be forgiven for the flaws that I contributed to the relationship. All of them went "unanswered" I thought as my relationship fell apart, and my engagement, wedding, and relationship were ended and called off. But again, I learned quickly, they weren't unanswered, God answered them in a very different way. I experienced my first heartbreak.... another thing I wouldn't wish on anyone. One that has you crying and tearing up non-stop for days. The kind that makes you so sick to your stomach that the thought of food makes you want to puke. But I remember just craving God at that time. Leaning on Him immensely. I was wishing that I could go to church everyday. This heartbreak, or unanswered prayer, made me closer to God. Something I am SO grateful for.
It also lead to me putting myself, my health, and my life, before anything and anyone else, for the first time ever. I got to move back home to Minnesota.... something I appreciate now, more than ever. I got to get closer to my family and doctors. All big blessings that came from all those unanswered prayers. God is so incredibly good!
To top it all off... those unanswered prayers to make me a good fiancé, wife, and woman of God, led to me meeting the love of my life. Just two months after ending what I thought was going to be the rest of my life, a man whose smile lights up my world, walked up to my front door, rang the door bell, and the instant I laid eyes on him, through my pounding heart and the crazy butterflies, my heart was happy. Those unanswered prayers led to me meeting the most kind, patient, God filled, loving, and caring man I have ever met in my life. This man has been to most EVERY doctor appointment, surgery, and procedures. He has held my hand as I have cried in pain. He has spent many nights, waking up every four hours, to give me pain meds and changed my ice packs. He has spent countless amount of hours learning from me, my family, and my doctors, all he can know about CRPS and how he can help me through tough days and bad flare ups. I have never met someone, outside of my mom, who wants to live this illness with me. This is one of the best of the unanswered prayers.
God has changed my life in the way He loves me, forgives me, and protects me. He knows EXACTLY what I need and when I needed, even when I think differently. God is so good.